Preface:

I am a girl.
I am a single girl.
I am a single girl who uses Tinder and I LIKE IT!

I could go into a diatribe about the pros and cons of Tinder, but let’s be real… you’ve read the same Buzzfeed article I have, and everyone reading this has swiped right too many times to count. WE’VE ALL BEEN TINDERIZED!

I’m here to talk about the “POST-date”, the “I don’t really like you but I want to keep sleeping with you” date, and the “you might be a serial killer, so I need to end things quickly yet safely” date.

The one thing that binds all of these situations together is the ever powerful TEXT MESSAGE…message.. message… message… (Echo added for effect). Without this witty, 4 lined, emoji filled message you will NOT be seeing anyone or breaking anything off anytime soon.

YES – you can simply not answer someone if you are 1. uninterested 2. un-attracted or 3. unable to see yourself romping in the sheets with them. BUT, let’s put the humanity back in dating… you know… cause we’re all human.

Below is a detailed list of texts of various situations that we young, dumb and full of cum 20-somethings can use when trying to break it off or get it off.

1. THE FIRST DATE FAUX PAUX

You ARE allowed to text someone after the first date, and it doesn’t have to be this ‘one day but not after lunch but be sure to say something about the date but not too clever because you don’t want to look too into him’ bullshit! Text when get home! Allow yourself to tell your roomie about the date and then text them immediately.  You’ll leave a lasting impression and have better chance of getting that 2nd date you’ve already been planning in your head:

 

photo 1

 

2. THE NOT SO GREAT 1ST DATE

Okay –  so you hated his guts! NO BIG DEAL! However,  you can tell that he is REALLY into you. He already flippantly threw in that you should come with him to meet his mom and he literally “can’t wait” to watch his favorite show Twin Peaks with you (these types always think they invented Twin Peaks).

No pressure – you can easily break it off now by one simple text! No response works too, but I assume you invested at least 2 hours into this date, at least 40 texts planning and getting to know one another, and they MIGHT even be a co-worker’s friend. Text your lack-luster date back with the below and you’ll be in the clear:

photo 2

 

3. FEW DATES IN – YOU’RE DONE

Now this one is tricky.
You are 5 dates in.
You’ve had semi-good talks.
Drunk sex once or twice (you remember once for sure).
… but that spark is JUST not there.

You’re probably thinking to yourself, “this is the PERFECT opportunity to NOT text someone back right, RIGHT?!”

Answer: WRONG! It only takes 3 dates for someone to really know if they like a person. *Date 1 is the Information Only Date, Date 2 is the Let’s Impress Em Date, Date 3 is the I’m Going to Be Myself Date.*
After date 3, if they are still around and you are still leading them on… this is Bad News Bears (and not the Billy Bob Thornton classic).

You can refer back to Text #2, but you do have to add a bit of heart as you are literally about to crush theirs. This one is a hard one to send (you can let a little time pass before ya send):

photo 3

 

Chances are you will get a response, but it won’t be as bad as you are expecting. You’ll probably get a “I’m sorry to hear that” or “thank you for telling me, I had fun too.” You’ll feel like SHIT sending this one, but it is SO much better in the end. And feel good because you actually were honest with someone… which is not something that happens very often.

4. I’M CALLING YOUR SHIT 

This is the best text message you will ever send in your life. Savor it. Send it. Save it. Read it again and again because you will feel like a god after you send this one. This text is for the jerk off who won’t text YOU back after 4+ dates. You’ve reached out, you might get the occasional response back, but no indication of seeing you ever again. Below are a list of some messages that I have sent to various dicks in my love life. There is no clear script as this should be an exercise in creative writing for all:

photo 4

 

Don’t get me wrong, people are assholes. I’ve been one, and I’ve been dumped by them. However, take a stand against douche-baggery and just text back!

Happy Dating. Happy Texting.
-Rat City Radio