I have an unrepentant love affair with fast food. I’m also of the mindset that breakfast is extremely appropriate at any time, and at any place.  (Except probably not a funeral. Honor the dead and all that.) That’s why I was thrilled when Taco Bell announced they’d be officially rolling out their breakfast nationwide. And now I present to you, my dear reader, my review of Taco Bell’s new breakfast. I survived. And so can you.

I pulled up to the Taco Bell drive thru early Saturday morning anticipating a line several cars deep. Instead I was greeted by a trio of birds eagerly attacking the remains of a discarded soft taco. I took this as a good sign and scanned the menu for what I wanted. I ended up getting an A.M. Crunchwrap (Bacon), a waffle taco (bacon) and an order of Cinnabon Delights.

The drive thru attendant cheerily asked if I’d like to add a MTN Dew AM, which from what I surmise is Mountain Dew and orange juice. There’s something ungainly about drinking neon green liquid before 3 PM, so I declined. Also, I have standards.* After a longer than normal wait (which was odd, seeing as though I was literally the only one there. I swear I saw a tumbleweed sweep lazily across my field of vision) I received my bounty of processed meat crammed into psuedo-Mexican carbs.

Editors note: I created a new scale of measurement just for this article. Behold, the BSEAH, which is short for “Britney Spears Eating a Hard Taco” rating system.

Three or more BSEAHTs means that I would like for Taco Bell togimme gimme more, 2 or less means that I think it’s toxic. I think you’ll agree that it is an entirely scientific and accurate scoring measurement.

Thing 1: AM Crunchwrap (Bacon)

Taco Bell's New Breakfast

I’m not going to lie to you. I found the AM Crunchwrap to be delicious and would gladly eat one in the PM. I would eat it on a boat. I would eat it in the sand. I do like the AM Crunchwrap, Sam I Am. Basically this is a saucer-sized hash brown embedded with scrambled eggs, bacon and cheese, encased in a tortilla and grilled. The thing that really took it over the point for me was the addition of whatever secret sauce the Taco Bell uses on its quesadillas. It’s rich and savory and I’d like a direct IV of it right into my veins.

BSEAHT: 3/4

3-4

Thing 2: Waffle Taco (Bacon)

Taco Bell's New Breakfast

This did not take me anywhere I wanted to go. Instead of making me feel like Lindsay Lohan circa 2004, I felt like Lindsay Lohan that time Oprah cussed at her.

CUT THE BULL, TACO BELL

CUT THE BULL, TACO BELL

As you can see from the delightful image above, this wasn’t exactly in line with the gorgeous photos that Taco Bell had on the menu. Now, I’m not above eating things that look like they’ve already been digested. I eat at Golden Corral, people. This aint my first rodeo. But I really wasn’t feeling my waffle taco. It came with a cool little packet of branded syrup, but that did little to enhance the flavor of what had to be a store brand Eggo. The only reason this didn’t get zero BSEAHTs was because of the bacon, once again proving that bacon makes everything better.

BSEAHT: 1/4

Taco Bell's New Breakfast

Thing 3: Cinnabon Delights

Taco Bell's New Breakfast

Now, this isn’t really a fair portion of the review because these have been available at Taco Bell’s in my area for the past 6 months or so. But these. Are. Delicious. If you love the way you feel after eating the 8 lbs of dough the comprises a Cinnabon, then you’ll love these. It’s like a little ball of churro deliciousness with a core of sweet icing. Fried. Oddly enough, mine were still cold in the middle (something that has never happened on my previous outings) but they were still better than the waffle taco.

BSEAHT: 4/4

Taco Bell's New Breakfast

And there you have it! Taco Bell’s new breakfast rollout looks promising, but may need a bit of tweaking. Have you tried it? Let us know below!

*Not really

 

 

 

  • And now I know, and that’s half the battle. Thanks you. I knew in my heart that the waffle taco would be awful. Intrigued by the crunchwrap, and envious of your scoring system idea.

  • Kelsey Kruse

    “Doesn’t McDonald’s realize that they could have my entire paycheck if they served breakfast all day?” One of my favorite DeAndre quotes.

  • Jenny King

    There’s literally two taco bells in the UK. One is like twenty miles away from me, but you can only get there by car. I’d be lying if I said my roommate and I hadn’t thought about RENTING A CAR to get there. Disappointing waffle taco or not, the desire is strong.

  • I like that Taco Bell is trying to make it easier to eat breakfast on the run without getting it all over your clothes.

  • Alex Worthington

    The Lohan line is great.

  • Kelsey Kruse

    “Why doesn’t McDonald’s realize that they could have my entire paycheck if they would just serve breakfast all day?” -One of my favorite DeAndre quotes ever.