If you were anywhere near a computer last night, you undoubtedly saw the chorus of people around the world doing a slow slide down a wall because Catfish reached a new level of ratchetness. It transcended ratchetness. It was… glorious. Let’s discuss last night’s episode of Catfish.
In addition to wearing a variety of large scarves, Carmen spends her free time calling Catfish and asking them to help her cousin, Antwan. You see Antwan, despite wearing a full wig and having very interesting eyebrows, is in a relationship with a man he’s never met.
But that’s not the most interesting thing about Antwan, that would be…
2. ANTWAN AINT GOT NO PHONE AND DOESNT KNOW HOW TO USE THE INTERNET
He uses what he calls “an Obamaphone” which doesn’t have a data plan, so he communicates with his paramour via phone calls, which has satisfied him for the last three years. He’s never seen a picture of Tony, he doesn’t know his last name, all he knows is that he is desperately in love with him, and “he better have a six-pack.”
During the course of the show Nev and Max try to find Tony, to no avail. As they stand outside an abandoned house that is literally condemned and locked up with a padlock, Carmen loudly makes the pronouncement:
3. “YOU AINT NEVER GON FIND TONY. CAUSE IM TONY.”
This is the DUMBEST POSSIBLE REASON TO BE UPSET, because…
4. SHE DOES LOOK LIKE KELLY PRICE.
5. Jesus is disappointed in you, Carmen.
So basically, she has been holding on to this grudge for three years, because her cousin, HER BEST FRIEND, called her the name of a Grammy-award winning artist, who she happens to look a great deal like. I think this tweet (by yours truly) sums up the entire episode:
Jesus didn’t die ON THE CROSS so you could#Catfish your cousin for three years.
— DeAndre Upshaw (@deandresays) May 15, 2014