Welcome to the Fresh Prince of Westeros, a Game of Thrones Recap. Needless to say, MAJOR SPOILERS lie within these walls. Enter at your own caution. This week, we recap ‘Mockingbird.’
Lysa Arryn OH SHIT! As Sansa is building a mockup Winterfell and wishing she were home, Game of Thrones manipulator champion Littlefinger finally comes out to make his move. Sansa is the unfortunate recipient of the perviest smooch of the series, and unfortunately for her, she’s been seen by her insane aunt, who also happens to be the smoocher’s new wife. In recompense, Lysa dangles poor Sansa over the Moon Door (which her gross kid is freakishly obsessed with), only to be stopped by Littlefinger, who proceeds to sike her out in the worst way possible by telling her that he loves her sister and pushing her through the Moon Door and to her death. There was something vaguely skeksis-esque about her, and I won’t miss her.
The ghost of Catelyn Stark sure does seem to be haunting everyone in Game of Thrones. Littlefinger sees a little too much of her in Sansa, and is driven to work out some really twisted, unresolved love issues by seeing Sansa as her new incarnation. Her sister Lysa is jealous of her, even after her death, and this culminates in her own demise. Meanwhile, Brienne and Podrick continue their hapless mission to find and protect Sansa on the now-deceased Catelyn Stark’s behalf, only to have their target Stark changed by – who else – Hot Pie. I’m still not thoroughly convinced that Hot Pie isn’t the lynchpin that holds the story together. Hot Pie tells them that not only is the other Stark sister Arya still alive, she’s in the clutches of a homicidal maniac. At a literal fork in the road, everyone’s favorite lady fighter and her luckless squire decide to go east for the Eyrie instead of north for the Wall.
Arya herself continues her ceaseless trek across the Riverlands with the Hound. After mercy killing a victim of what we presume to be a raiding party (probably the only killing the Hound has ever committed with any trace of compassion), they’re attacked by two men we’ve seen before. These are two of the three that Arya saved from the burning cart in season 2. The third was Jaqen H’ghar. The one that attacked first and scared the shit out of me is appropriately named ‘Biter’ by IMDb. They both are made short work of, but the bite the Hound receives is nasty. Arya offers to help by cauterizing the wound, and in a rare moment of vulnerability the Hound opens up about his fear of fire and the source of the heavy scars he bears. As a child he played with one of the toys of his sociopath brother, who evidently didn’t like sharing. The brother, Gregor, pushed his face down into a fire and held it there, and afterward their father defended the actions. The Hound and his brother may be remorseless killers, but at least we can now see where one of them is coming from. Needless to say: lots of deep-seated issues with this Game of Thrones family.
Gregor, better known as the Mountain, is off in King’s Landing, preparing kebabs. Except instead of a meat skewer he’s using his sword, and instead of beef or chicken he’s got a human. What a guy!
He is approached by Cersei. The way she walks over mutilated human meat like she’s traipsing through the grass, not givin’ a damn – this is a woman on a mission. Cersei asks the Mountain to be her champion in the impending trial by combat that Tyrion has called for, and even Bronn, Tyrion’s right-hand man, refuses to stand against him (although he’s certainly got other motives).
Tyrion has held out hope that big brother Jaime would fight for him, but that doesn’t go exactly as planned.
Big brother’s got a gimp hand. But never fear, Little Lannister; things are working out nice and neatly. Prince Oberyn Martell has been jonesing for an opportunity to put a sword through the Mountain, who killed his sister several years prior, and the perfect opportunity has just presented itself. The trial by combat will be Ser Gregor the Mountain versus Prince Oberyn of Dorne. One fights because that’s all his idiot brain knows how to do, and the other is thirsty for vengeance. If previous Game of Thrones fights are any indicator, it’s gonna be a bloody match.
Meanwhile, Tyrion sits and listens as Oberyn recounts a trip that he and his sister made to Casterly Rock (the Lannisters’ version of Winterfell) when he was young, to visit the Lannisters and their newly-born son, purportedly a gruesomely disfigured dwarf. In another gimme-the-Emmy moment, Tyrion is told a tragic story that gives insight into the depths of his sister’s hatred for him. Without saying a word, Tyrion makes us want to cry. He’s always laughed off people’s prejudices against him as a little person, but this story hits right at the root of all that; Tyrion starts to weep, and it is just too much.
Meanwhile, across the Narrow Sea, Daario and Melisandre get nekkid. Daario’s encounter with Daenerys was inevitable; there’s been tension between them all season. As Daario makes his exit the next morning, he runs into the one and only Ser Friendzone Jorah, who no doubt feels sick about another man fastening up his shirt as he walks out of the bedchamber of the woman he loves.
Melisandre’s scene is not one of a sexual encounter, but since actress Carice Van Houten obviously has it in her Game of Thrones contract to wear clothes in less than 5% of her scenes, it’s uncomfortable nonetheless – especically for Selyse Baratheon, wife of Stannis the Smiley, who happens upon Melisandre as she’s taking a bath. They’re still at Stannis’s fortress on Dragonstone, but are about to leave, presumably to meet up with their king. Selyse hates her daughter Shireen, thinking her heretical, and wants to leave her behind. Leave your child behind, in a country plagued by war? Cersei an Lysa might have to share their Mom-of-the-Year award. Luckily, Melisandre advises against this, and insists that poor little lizard-faced Shireen come with them. Oh, and it was interesting to see the Red Witch concede that much of her ‘power’ is owed to her mastery of smoke-and-mirrors theatrics. She may have her money on the wrong man, but she’s a Game of Thrones power player, and I don’t doubt that she’s got at least one trick up her sleeve.
If it’s wrong to like Melisandre so much, I don’t wanna be right.
For all of you who have a tough time keeping track of which Game of Thrones character is which and who’s allied with whom and who is whose mother-brother-sister-uncle, someone at theFishfinger Creative Agency worked up a neat
little humongous chart to help you keep everyone straight. Click the image below to be directed to a site from which you can see the whole thing.
+4 Kebab’ed peasants
+2 Rorge and his biting buddy
+1 Lysa Arryn
GAME OF THRONES KILL COUNT: 5392
Until next time, here’s the preview for the next Game of Thrones, which debuts in two weeks.