Welcome to the Fresh Prince of Westeros, where we recap each episode of Game of Thrones. Needless to say, MAJOR SPOILERS lie within these walls. Enter at your own caution. If you’ve missed the series up to this point but would like a quick recap, College Humor is happy to get you caught up withthis video.

*clears throat*

Usually the story arc of Game of Thrones peaks at episode nine, and follows with a denouement episode that leaves you ready for the next season. Not this time. Readers of the books knew this was coming (and will repeatedly remind you of that), but the moment every Game of Thrones fan has been longing for has finally come: after a royal wedding that puts Will and Kate’s to shame, Joffrey, the prick on the throne, has bit the dust. Too bad there was no Thoros of Myr to revive him. Since he wasn’t, we can turn to the best place on the web to capture people’s reactions to shocking moments on TV: Twitter.

It can be assumed that Joffrey’s younger brother Tommen will take the throne in his brother’s absence. More important than the succession, though, is the question of whether anyone will be able to don the Evil Shit mantle quite so well as Joffrey did. His deplorable mother and grandfather still hold well-deserved spots on Arya’s hit list, but they arguably lack his unmitigated sociopathy. I put my money on former Misfits star Ramsay Snow, the other bastard-in-the-North, as strongest contender for Villain Most Likely to Make Your Skin Crawl.

ramsay

Another pressing question is… who did it?

Oberyn Martell? His bastard lover, Ellaria Sand, dressed in this episode like every palm reading prostitute you’ve ever seen? Joffrey’s death coincides nicely with the arrival of Dorne’s vengeful second son, who has openly stated that he’s here for blood.

Melisandre? Lest we forget leeches 1, 2 and 3 that she burned, full of Gendry’s blood… we’ve lost Robb and Joff both. Looks like the Last Man Standing award goes to Balon Greyjoy, who gets so little screen time that he probably won’t be here to accept it before what now looks to be his likely demise.

Littlefinger? Depraved as he is, his love for Catelyn Stark seems to be real, and no doubt he’s pissed with the Lannisters for having her offed.

Sansa? She’s got more reason to want him dead than anyone, but thus far she has been the very picture of passivity, a pawn and not a player, so unless we’ve got a new arc for her character, it seems unlikely.

Ser Dontos? Stealth pickle, shifty bloke, and all around too otherwise-unimportant to have been brought back for no reason.

Margaery? Like Sansa and viewers across America, she found no humor in the dwarf joust. Despite her seemingly sweet nature, she’s a plotter and a schemer, every inch her grandmother’s protégé, with no love for our now-deceased royal turd. Famed misogynist Ned Stark did say once that poison is a woman’s weapon.

Tyrion? The most obvious choice, and also the least likely, but don’t tell Cersei that.

move bitch

You can check out the best Twitter reactions to fan-dubbed “Purple Wedding” here, here and here.

In the vein of things heating up quickly, Tyrion and Shae’s ever-tenuous union looks to have been ended for good. In a Nicole-Kidman-from-Moulin-Rouge-inspired move, Peter Dinklage sent his paramour packing across the Narrow Sea, ostensibly because he’s through enjoying his whore, but in truth it’s because he’s concerned for her safety. “Tyler, Tyrion has never seen ‘Moulin Rouge.’” *pauses ‘Strictly Ballroom’* “What?” According to Bronn, Shae’s made it off safely, but 1) that seems like a bit of an abrupt sendoff for a character they’ve been developing since season one, and 2) should we trust Bronn? Smother Mother Lysa Arryn correctly surmised that he is a man without honor.

Meanwhile on Dragonstone, Team Westboro Baptist is at it again, this time grilling up some heretics. The Red Woman has dinner with the most lunatic couple in Westeros, and her time spent with their daughter isn’t much more uplifting; the conversation with Shireen quickly becomes a lecture on hell and human sacrifice. Last season saw Melisandre prophesying that the ‘War of Five Kings means nothing,’ that the real fight lies to the north. Stannis has always been firmly held at the end of her leash; will that change, now that Joffrey’s dead? My money is on ‘no.’

This episode marks the glorious return of Bran Muffin, and his potential addiction to warging. If I were summoned into a country infested with barbarians and undead, by a bird with an incorrect number of eyes, my inclination would be to run the other direction. But Bran, Hodor, Randy Travis Junior and the girl that my dad thought was a boy are making a beeline north. The three-eyed raven breaks the mold and speaks to him in English instead of caws, and if Raisin Bran’s dream is any indicator, things in his story are about to get… weird. *clears throat again* Weirder.

raven

Game of Thrones just renewed itself for a further two seasons. *checks watch* Is winter still coming? No doubt. But rest easy; whether it gets here sooner or later, we’ve been given plenty of time to savor the sex and gore (oh, and the story) before we’ve got a victor on the throne.

Things we can take away from ‘The Lion and the Rose:’

  • Books make bad gifts.
  • Marrying Margaery Tyrell is a Westerosi death sentence.
  • Scratch that… any Westerosi marriage means someone’s gonna die (see weddings of Daenerys, Edmure, et al).
  • Olenna Tyrell. A personal favorite; Diana Rigg steals each scene she’s in and DOES NOT APOLOGIZE. *tosses necklace out window* “That was mine!” “YOU GOT IT AT JARED.”
  • Not even Sigur Rós is above scrabbling for gold coins, even when those coins are thrown at you by the Game of Thrones equivalent of a Bieber.
  • That lol-worthy moment when the deer says ‘Hodor.’
My perception of royalty pre- and post-Thrones

My perception of royalty pre- and post-Thrones

IN MEMORIAM:

I stumbled across this speech by Jack Gleeson addressing the Oxford Union. It’s actually a little touching, having only seen it now that he’s gone, and seeing proof that he actually seems kind and remarkably bright… the antithesis of his Joffrey. It’s only 30 minutes and well worth a watch.

*clears throat* Goodnight, sweet prince. “You sure are clearing your throat a lot.” Sorry, I know, but this pigeon pie is kinda dry. It’s almost impossible to count the number of deaths on Game of Thrones. By one estimate there have been 5179 by the end of season three (Tyrion’s wildfire killed a LOT of people), and by the royal wedding the count has reached 5187. And so, with Joffrey:

GAME OF THRONES KILL COUNT: 5188
Raise a toast and have a glass of wine for the deceased. Or better yet, maybe don’t.